Today I ran across some notes that I had jotted down months ago. They were scribbled on a piece of paper with other random "to do" items and thoughts. I almost dismissed them and threw the paper away, but something said that I should share them with you - that was the original intention in writing them down, so that's what I want to do.
While we were in the MTC, someone said this and I wrote it down: "After 2 weeks, I'll think that I can't do it. After 3 months, I'll wonder why it felt so hard!" Well, I'm glad I wrote it down because I repeated it in my head many, many times, along with the thought, "okay, it hasn't been 3 months yet, so give it time." Even with this thought, there were many times in the evenings when we'd get home from the office that I would feel dark and discouraged inside. I wanted to give up.
It made almost total sense in my head (Satan is really good at helping with this) that Dad could stay and do his french thing and get along just fine without me.... but then I would look at your smiling faces on my wall (I am very grateful that we put those up soon after we arrived here). Each of your sweet faces and smiles spoke peace and comfort to me. Your eyes spoke of confidence, faith, hope, and undeniable love.
As I pictured coming home early and trying to explain to those inquisitive minds of yours why it was just too hard and Grandma/mom couldn't do it, my mind raced ahead to potentially hard days ahead in your lives (because we ALL get plenty of them)... difficult people to deal with at school and work, assignments that feel bigger and harder then you know how to tackle, unending grind of doing what needs to be done, and I expect that many of you will serve missions one day - how would I want YOU to handle those hard times and situations? Give up saying it's just too hard? NO WAY!
How would I want/hope for you to handle them? With faith, looking to our Father and Savior for strength, seeking for gifts to lift and help, with confidence that God is aware of you and your needs and suffering, walking to the edge of the light and even a few steps into the darkness.... yup, that's what I'd want... ugh..... does that mean I can't give up? Yes, your faces kept me going.
For many weeks this scenario would go through my head. I tried to practice and DO what I'd want and pray for for each of you, baby steps of faith, taking small bites knowing that God will help. Gratefully, light did start to come. I'd notice little children speaking french and wonder, "Wow, how can those little people know and speak this HARD language! If they can learn it, maybe I can too." Financial procedures at the office started to make some sense and I could see and understand reasons for things needing to be done and how to do them. The temple (which for years has been a wonderful, safe, sweet, comforting place for me to be) started to become a welcoming place again (I'd allowed the language barrier to build a wall in my heart and it was difficult for me to feel God's love and peace there).
Actually, the temple is where my heart turned another corner. As I was there participating in a session, I had the red "A" on my on my name slip indicating wanting part of it done in "Anglais" (english). The temple worker that would be helping me saw that "A" and went pale. She had the same look in her eyes that I'd felt in mine sometimes there at the temple (fear and unsureness and hesitancy because of the language differences and barriers). The thought went through my mind and heart in that instant, "We are all worshipping and loving the same God and He understands all of us. We are all in this together!" I smiled big at this sister, trying to assure her with my eyes that I would not need her help and we could get through this together. We did. She lived through it, and I walked away feeling softer, with more light and hope and determination to be open and teachable, looking for and watching for God's love and miracles all around me.
Our thoughts matter. The things we repeat over and over in our heads make a difference. The people and influences we collect around us influence us and our thinking. Thanks to you all for the light that you radiate and inspire with, the faith you move forward with, and the hope you breathe with. I love you all dearly!
Mom/Grandma/Liz
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